Things I never wanted to admit

I never wanted to say that I lost a baby, but that dread came true on Friday in one of the worst experiences of my life. If that wasn't enough of a strain on us emotionally and physically the drain it is taking on our already strained budget is causing Casey to freak out. I mean he not only has to deal with a wife who is breaking in to a million jagged pieces. Then I had to admit to him that there are moments when I look at Ian that I have overwhelming sorrow. There are so many reasons, mourning the loss of him becoming a big brother, the question of how did he get here but not this baby and many other little things. I am so lost at what to to do to make these feelings change, to help my husband cope with his loss. He tells me he is more worried about me and how I am coping. I don't want to tell him that the coping isn't here yet, all there is pain and anger. I want to yell and scream curse words at the top of my head and break stuff, and when I don't like that I don't feel anything at all. Tomorrow will be the toughest day so far we will find out how this will all proceed, I am terrified that they will say that my body failed. So during this time of need I ask that you please keep my family in your thoughts during the next few weeks, and if you could please help us with the cost of a D&C which I will most likely have to go through. The cost is overwhelming and while we have insurance we do not have the money to cover our portion of it which is still a considerable amount of money. I hate asking for money but in times of need one should reach out and hope that others will reach back. If you can donate anything my family would appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
Please take a minute to donate:

Thank you!



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I woke up today praying it had all been a dream, I knew with my heart it wasn't. We lost the baby. What is so ironic about all this is I have been wanting weather that let me go outside and enjoy myself. Well that is what I got today but I wasn't in a mood to enjoy it. I got up though put on my big girl panties and went outside. I was going to enjoy this gift while it last.
Last night was one of the worse nights of my life, not only did I get bad news but because of Baylor's unusually policy's I found out alone. I dealt with so much last night from bad news, to an unprofessional tech. (I won't go into the details here do to spam possibilities, if you want to know feel free to email me). I left the hospital more thankful then I have ever been how easy everything went getting Ian here healthy.
The worst is yet to come, all we were told last night is that we would find out more on Monday with an OB. Since my cervix was not open and the bleeding has lessened today. I will be told what is going to happen, I am unsure of what is to come. All I ask is for your thoughts and prayers, we will need them not just today but for the coming weeks. Please don't forget about us as tomorrow dawns, I have never been so thankful for the friendships I have forged through blogging and twitter. Thank you all, my family is greatful for all of you.



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Everywhere You Look

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry, choose shapes as this weeks theme. I haven't joined in quiet a while, but this week I loved the idea of capturing shapes and all the ways that presented it's self.

I loved the way the sun through the window fell across FootFoot.


Ian enjoying breakfast at his new big boy table.






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Snark, Love, and Pseudo Celebrities

Do to the misfortune of one sweet stranger, I was able to attend the Mom 2.0 Summit with Lauren. I went to Houston not knowing what to expect, a little scared, and a lot of butterflies( did I mention this was my first large blogging event).

With everything coming together at the last minute, we drove down to Houston with our 2 little monsters.



Who behaved surprising well in the car and at the conference. Ian and Avery tended to steal the show wherever they went.



Enough about the monsters, what did I learn and who did I meet is what you really want to know. I learned so much that it will be hard to write it all down. So instead I will give you some highlights. Now remember every person will have walked away with different lessons from Mom 2.0. I took away some great lessons, Clearing the clutter in every way will help me in all aspects of life, that being the type of mom I feel is best for my family doesn't make me a bad mother, and when I over process what I am putting out there it is obvious; let it come from my heart it will be more powerful. Those are just the highlights of what I learned.


Now who I met that was just as overwhelming to me, I met some ladies that I have been stalking online for quite a while now. At the Mad Men Party Thursday Night, I had a moment when I first saw Rebecca Woolf, I was scared to go up and introduce myself. Not 5 minutes before I had that moment, I totally asked Tanis Miller to take a picture of Lauren and I without realizing who I was asking till I made a compete idiot of myself by going your The Redneck Mommy! That wasn't the last time I made an idiot of myself this last weekend. Then there was the time I accosted  Heather at the front desk while she was looking for a place to go to dinner, but she was so sweet and posed with em for a picture. I met so many great women that I can't list them all. Be sure to check out my pictures for just a handful of the lovely ladies I met, I got overwhelmed and didn't take enough pictures.

Now someday I will meet the great Jennui who made this all possible.  I know that I met lots of lovely ladies, made contacts with a few great companies and had a weekend full of Snark, lots of Love and sightings of women who are celebrities to me.






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So Much, Yet So Little

I sat down in front of my computer to write a gushy post about the Mom 2.0 Summit, but life got in the way. Casey informed me that he needed Ian's birth certificate by Friday, for our health insurance. He then got upset when I told him that I wasn't going to the government office to get it, the last time Ian and I adventured into a government office it was horrible. We waited for over an hour in the cramped SSA office, where he couldn't have a snack or his cup, the security office would get on to us every time we tried. I said he could take a long lunch and go get it, he then told me that I needed to start doing more around here, that taking care of Ian is not enough. I will state that this was not a full out argument more of a tiff, but still it hurts me that he thinks so little of me caring for our child. He then went to bed and I proceed to have an anxiety attack. I understand that he feels that he works and brings home the bacon, but why should I have to brave the slippery slope of a government office with a toddler because he works all day. I know he needs to vent his frustrations but seriously his anxiety prone hormonal pregnant wife needs him to be a little more aware of his off the cuff remarks. When I tell him this he says I know how he is, I can deal with it. So please ladies give me advice on how to not let my hormones and anxiety take over, when Casey is being Casey.




Sidenote: Casey is an amazing Father and Husband, he has off moments just like everyone, I needed to vent and this is my place to do it. I was serious about the advice part, so please help a girl out (Don't try to down play my anxiety as me overreacting it is real. That means you Daddy.)





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What's to Come

Lots of changes coming to When Did I go from a kid to a grown up?, first starting with a new look and about page.

The Mom 2.0 Summit recap post with a sneak peak.


A few review and giveaways and alot more life.

Sweet Strangers

      I was on Twitter last night when I saw a fellow blogger Jennui, who lives in Canada  was not going to be able to attend the Mom 2.0 Summit in Houston, Texas; due to so unfortunate timing of United Airlines. Inquiring minds wanted to know what she was going to do with her unused ticket (ok I asked if I could have it, tact is something I lack when I really really want something, yes I know my parents raised me better). Well almost 15 hours went by and I heard nothing so I let it go, it was kinda rude of me to ask point blank. Then I got a tweet that changed my day to contact them to transfer her pass to my name.  After an hour of panicking try every contact I had trying to get a hold of the conference organizers, I got the email that they needed my info for the transfer.
     Thanks for sticking through all the rambling, there is a point. That the kindness that a stranger gave me today, she doesn't know how she really impacted me. When you look at the calender for this year this is the only conference I would be able to attend with the pregnancy and then delivery of The Bug. This will be my first conference and all the excitement that it brings. Her kindness to someone she has never met before, she made my year (other then The Bug's birth). As a SAHM of a one car family, I don't get out like I am used to. I am a social butterfly who loves to meet new people and this experience will  hopefully help me get through the rest of the winter (I hate winter). I hope that in future I can pay forward this strangers act of kindness to someone  I don't know.  So please go check out Jennui site and find out what an awesome lady she is.
      

It's like grandma's house but with more bodily fluids.

This is a guest post by Lauren of Mommy is Rock n Roll, after our experience at the birth center.  Look for my take on it in the coming days.

On Wednesday Bobbi and I bundled up our kids and went on an adventure to the Birth and Women's Center in Dallas for Bobbi's first prenatal appointment with the nurse/midwife/whatever.

I was stoked because after doing some research (okay, I consulted Dr. Google) and tweeting my fears about a repeat cesarean I have decided that when I get pregnant again I will do whatever I can to have my baby delivered in the most natural way with the least interventions which is what I should have done the first time around.

Hindsight. It's a mother fucker.

Anyway, this was my first visit to a birthing center (Bobbi's too) so I didn't quite know what to expect but I knew that it would be perfect. Like a bed and breakfast for labor and delivery. The adjacent park was beautiful and I could see myself holding hands with my husband walking along the tree-lined path through contractions and feeling at peace with what I was doing.

Yeah. Notsomuch.

We walked into the converted home (I believe it's about 100 years old) and were immediately confronted by an adorable waiting room. Seriously. Your grandma lives here. Our presence was detected and we were invited upstairs to to wait outside the office so Bobbi could fill out some paperwork.

The walls along the stairwell were lined with baby footprints from the babies that were delivered at the birthing center. My uterus cried out. They were so tiny.

We all go into the exam room and the midwife/nurse/whatever starts asking Bobbi the routine medical history questions (you had eye surgery twice? You will definitely need to fill me in on that!). She seemed cold. Mechanical. Not like the crunchy hippy embracing midwife that I was expecting to encounter. In fact, there was a lot about her that was off-putting. Not only that but I felt like she was annoyed that our children were in the room. I kept them occupied during the exam but it's kind of hard to chase down one-year-old Ian while he's running around the sofa while I'm nursing Avery so that she'll quit fussing. Gimme a fucking break. I only have two hands, nursey!

I digress. Like, a lot.

Afterwards we were asked no less than ninety billion times how we got in without taking the tour first. OH THE MOTHER FUCKING TOUR! Apparently the tour of the birthing center is a sacred ritual that gains you access to the building and allows you to schedule appointments.

One of the midwives (I assume she was a midwife; she did not introduce herself) finally offered to give us a quick tour (Halle-fuckin'-lujah) of the place.

The birthing suite was really nice and the bathroom was sparklingly clean. No afterbirth chunks in sight!

OH! Speaking of bathrooms. The birthing center is a place where human beings come out of your vagina. GET SOFTER TOILET PAPER. It was like cheap gas station toilet paper in the bathroom. My ass did not appreciate their stinginess.

After the tour Bobbi and I asked the midwife some basic questions about the center and I asked her about VBAC (vaginal birth after ceserean). She pretty much said that they don't do them at the center but that they have a relationship with OB's that feed into Baylor Hospital who do them and they don't want to rock the boat on that relationship. Really? I thought that birthing centers were a safe haven for women to get away from the CUT 'EM UP GET 'EM OUT TAKE THEIR MONEY mentality of the hospital.

Apparently not.

What this made me see is that birthing centers are businesses too just like hospitals. Yes, their philosophies may be different but they're in it to make money.

Oh well. It's like I always say: Mo' money, mo' problems.

What Doesn't Belong.

Here in Texas, we want sunshine and warm weather. We may gripe about the heat during the summer but secretly most of us love it. Now in the past 48 hours Dallas/FtWorth has been slammed with over 12 inches of snow, now to most of my readers I know that is not alot. Here though it shuts everything down, carports collapse, people act like it is the end of the world. We are not prepared for this, we do not have the proper weather attire for all of this white stuff on the ground.

We decide yesterday that we would introduce Ian to the this thick fluffy white stuff, he probably won't see snow like this again in Texas for along time. He was unimpressed, don't think that we took him out in jeans and a jacket (he had on three layers, 2 pairs of socks) and still he hated it. Casey on the other hand loved the snow him and 2 friends built a 6 foot tall snowman (sorry no pictures Ian and I had gone in).

I can't wait for the days of 12 hours of sunshine, being able to have the the windows open and the sunshine stream in. When those days return, Ian and I have many adventures planned as our finally months of Mommy and Ian alone. We will make the most of this summer. We should be out having adventures now but it is so hard to take a toddler out in this gray weather and find something fun to do. So please give us ideas for fun adventures to have in the gray.

When Life Throws A Curve Ball

I am not afraid to blog about anything, well somethings though it is more about timing when you blog about them. Life recently threw us a curve ball that at this time I can't tell you my readers, I will ask for prayers and when the time comes I will reveal what the prayers are needed for. Don't worry your pretty heads Ian and the bug are fine, Casey and I are fine we are powering through this set back.  It is time to pull on our big girl panties and start planning for the future, not to be ostrich's.  Here is a picture of Ian and Avery at lunch yesterday as reward for dealing with the vagueness.

Who, Why, Where

Thanks to Anne Marie of Household 6 Diva, all of us ladies that can't make it to Blissdom can still get know each other and have some fun of our own.



Now to the Who, Why, and Where of When did I go from a kid to a grown up?. I (Bobbi Janay) have been blogging since 2004. After trying nearly every platform blogger became home shortly after Ian was born and it hit me one day, When had I became grown up? All tales on this blog come from Deep in the Heart of Texas *Clap Clap*,  where I was born and raised.
Life has blessed me with with a wonderful Husband, a healthy one year old Ian, and a second blessing due in Sept. 2010 (lovingly called bug). We live in Dallas, Texas where life has brought us after 2 layoffs in less then a year (talk about stress). Now that life has began to finally settle down (for the moment I am not holding my breathe).  I have been able to finally embrace becoming an adult (even if it means paying bills, cooking dinner nearly every night, and learning how to be the best wife and mother I can be).


A few lessons I have learned in the past year :

• I don't keep my house as clean as my Daddy and Janiece would like (I hear that everytime he calls me)
• Sleep what is that?
• Laundry is the name of the game, you blink and you lose. 
• Leave sleeping toddlers where they land (moving them only causes you more pain)
• Life as a mother is an amazing gift that no one can ever take away from you

Missing Blissdom?

For all of us Unable to get to Nashville for Blissdom, doesn't mean we can't have our bliss too. of Lonestar Lifer and I (Bobbi Janay) decided to host a twitter party Blisshome. We at this very moment are managing to get some prizes together for all you lovely ladies. So please Rsvp below and come party with us on Twitter tomorrow at 8:30 cst til 10:00pm cst. On Twitter you can find us as @Kidtogrownup and @Lonestarlifer if you have any questions. Look forward to seeing you there.

Please Come Back to Me

I am not a big fan of winter, I prefer sunshine and warmth. The endless grey days in front of me do nothing but weigh heavily on my mind. I need to escape my house, the repetitiveness of being trapped indoors. I am feeling stir crazy at the moment, I only now am seeing the repercussions of letting Daniel Jackson go. It makes it difficult to escape these same four walls.





*Picture from Flickr